When Infertility Updates Go Sterile

Sometimes it’s just too hard. Too hard to swallow. Too hard to breathe. To hard to share. Thus, my recent silence.DSC_2682

After our primary infertility struggles and IVF success catapulted me into the crazy, hectic, wonderful life that motherhood brings; I became an open book about our infertility journey. I hadn’t had the emotional support that I desperately needed while going through round after round of complicated infertility treatments. To be honest, even an army of supporters probably wouldn’t have been enough. With infertility…the best intention, the nicest phone call or text, the sweetest gift, the most compassionate comment…somehow it’s still never quite enough. The pain, the chronic patient role, the longing, the sorrow-it all outweighs the support. (for those showing support…please don’t stop! I’m just ranting.) I wanted to be real for other women struggling with similar issues. I wanted to break down the stigma that infertility builds and then reinforces with steel beams. Woman hiker on a top of a mountain

But, then I became an infertility patient once again. Optimistic…determined…nervous…and hopeful. At first sharing felt second nature. Our first frozen IVF success turned miscarriage made it a little harder. Repeated disappointments have continued to zap my desire to share. Instead, I’ve found myself withdrawing from the spotlight. In a way hiding. Clinging to privacy once again, as though it is a better comforter or coping mechanism to deal with my grief. My hope is still real, but the painful question of “Will it ever work?” plagues me each day. Blame it on the hormones. I do. But, my heart knows that my silence has simply been a way to quell my grief. Writing is acknowledging. Putting things into words makes them real…acute…like pouring salt into a wound. I like to think that I’m strong, but a girl can only take so much.

So, please forgive my silence. I don’t mind your curiosity. I love your support. But, to answer your question…No, we are not pregnant. Our most recent IVF cycle was more than promising. With 9 embryos to show for my efforts (yes, “MY.” I’m taking all of the credit. My husband would agree.) and the best cycle of stimulation yet, I was certain that it would work this time. So certain, that when we received the call 1 hour before our embryo transfer that none had survived to day 5, I went into something of a tailspin. NONE?? A statistical anomaly? A lab error? We made good embryos consistently. Only 10-15% not 100% should have arrested in development. WHAT? WHY? HOW?

The answer: ????????? Laboratory Fertilization Of Eggs In IVF Treatment

I hate the unknown. I hate the uncertain. As a physician, I want answers…reasons…solutions. I want to fix. I want to heal. I want to have a baby!!!! Instead, I’m starting from scratch once again, this time with a new doctor. Joy of joys. The idea of entering a third infertility establishment as a new patient just makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over again. Here goes!

Thanks for listening. Thanks for reading. Since silence hasn’t done the trick, I’ve decided to clink on the keys a little more going forward. My prayer is that for those struggling you will know that you aren’t alone. I’m here in the trenches with you. My prayer for myself is that even in the darkness I will not lose sight of the light…no matter how small it’s glimmer. I will hold onto hope, not blindly, but with the understanding that even if things don’t work the way that I long, there is still a greater plan. God may not answer my prayers the way that I want, but my story may just be the game changer to impact someone else. And, that uncertainty makes me smile. family, charity, healthcare, health. christmas, x-mas and happy

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Tips to Make Sure that Infertility Isn’t an Issue for YOU

I gave a little laugh when I was asked to write a freelance article on infertility for Hamilton County Family Magazine, since I’m something of an expert personally. While fertility is “natural”…infertility seems to come naturally to many couples these days. Check out these tips and recommendations that may save you grief later, help you determine your risk now, and get you the help that you may need.

When Infertility Comes Naturally

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If You’ve Got Something Fertile to Say…Please Keep it to Yourself!

I wanted to smack her right in the face. The flight attendant’s snippy, “I’m the mother of 6 children,” comment was enough to put me over the edge. Really? Yes, my child is screaming and doesn’t want to sit in her seat, but knowing that you are a fertile, super-mother with 6 loads of experience is not going to calm my 2 year-old or me for that matter. In fact, using your mother of 6 status is the last thing that any woman in the middle of several failed infertility treatments needs to hear. Why don’t you go take your own seat!

Sorry, to sound hostile, but time and time again the fertile mother either innocently, unknowingly, or even intentionally says something that stings. I do my best to dismiss the innocent and ignorant comments, but sometimes it just gets to be a little too much! So, I thought I would provide those of you blessed with super fertile powers a quick tutorial on what not to say to a woman without kids, someone with known infertility, or any woman you don’t know much about. This isn’t all inclusive…but it is fairly lengthy! For all those who do or have struggled with infertility, feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

What Not To Say In An Infertile World:

1. When are you planning on starting a family? Hint…Hint? (Please, stop asking!)

2. You know the clock is ticking, right? You aren’t getting any younger. (My ovaries are none of your business)

3. Don’t you guys want kids? (Of course not. Don’t most women despise the idea of motherhood?)

4. Do you have any news (pregnancy implied)? (If I wanted to tell you I would have.)

5. How many kids are you planning on having? (Is that really any of your business?)

6. Do you only want one (said with disbelief)? (If I did what’s wrong with that? But, no, my heart is breaking trying to have another!)

7. It’s about time for another isn’t it? (Thanks for keeping track of our family planning.)

8. Your daughter needs a sibling! (No kidding!)

9. Having one is so much easier. (Not when you have to go through infertility treatments to have another)

10. You should be happy you only have one. (Why don’t you try it?)

11. I can’t believe I’m pregnant again. We weren’t even trying. (It must be amazing to be you!)

12. I wish I weren’t pregnant. (I will gladly take your baby)

13. Being pregnant stinks. (Being infertile sucks!)

14. So, you guys are more focused on your careers, right? (Having a career doesn’t mean you don’t want kids!)

15. As a mom of x number of children, let me tell you…(Please don’t.)

16. Life is so easy when you only have one. Just wait! (I am waiting.)

17. I would never want a test tube baby! Oh, your baby is so cute! (She’s a test tube baby.)

18. Be glad you aren’t pregnant right now! (Seriously?)

19. That’s so nice that you don’t have any kids yet. You can travel and do such fun stuff. Be glad you still have your freedom. (I’d prefer to lose my freedom!)

20. I have a great book on how to get pregnant. (I wrote it.)

21. Have you tried putting your legs over your head? (Yes, for 48 hours at a time.)

22. You need an ovulation kit! (My ovulation is just fine thanks.)

23. I have a list of fertility foods that will get you pregnant in no time. (I’ve tried eating from the Garden of Eden. Fertile foods are no match for incredibly low sperm counts. It’s going to take more than pineapple core.)Beautiful young woman making Yoga exercises on the beach

24. Have you tried essential oils? (I practically drink them. Thank you.)

25. You guys just need a weekend away. (Hmm…pretty sure three days in bed isn’t going to do the trick.)

26. You need to stop stressing. (Stop talking, please. You’re stressing me out!)

27. Why don’t you just adopt? (Why don’t you?)

28. Let me tell you what worked for us. ( I really don’t care.)

29. Can I give you a piece of advice? (As though I can say, “No” without sounding rude)

30. Maybe God has something different for you instead of motherhood. (How consoling!)

31. Dr. Oz says…(Why do I care what a cardio-thoracic surgeon has to say about my fertility?)

32. The power of positive thinking is amazing. Visualize yourself pregnant. (What do you think I’ve been doing for the past 5 years!)

33. I know how you feel. It took us a whole month to get pregnant! (Wow, that must have been hard!)

34. Are you taking your vitamins? Maybe going gluten free, caffeine free, dairy free, soy free, and deodorant free would do the trick. (Am I allowed to eat?)Girls Kissing Mom's Belly

35. Isn’t this like your zillionth time going through IVF? (Thanks for reminding me.)

36. Maybe you should focus on learning to be content with what you do have. Isn’t having one enough? (Isn’t that between me, my spouse, and God?)

37. Infertility treatments are so unnatural (Clearly!)

38. There are worse things in life than infertility. You could actually have a serious medical problem to deal with. (True. That helps me cope how?)

39. Infertility isn’t really a medical problem. Having kids isn’t medically necessary. (Umm, who gave you your honorary medical degree?)

40. That’s nice that you can afford IVF. I hear that’s only for rich people. (It’s called debt. The most cost ineffective way to make a baby.)

41. You are saving yourself a fortune by not having kids. (Actually, I’m spending a fortune trying to have one.)Six pregnant bellies at different stages of pregnancy.

42. If you had more kids you’d understand…(If you had infertility you’d understand).

43. I totally know what you’re going through. My friend had infertility. (How could you possibly know what I’m going through.)

44. You do know how to make a baby right? All it takes is some good old fashioned sex! Do we need to get you a room? (Hmm…baby making can be a little more complicated!)

45. EVERYTHING ELSE EVER SAID

For those of you who are offended by my comments above…I don’t apologize. I have uncomfortably experienced every single comment mentioned above. And, while my real life responses were always gracious, I decided it was time to let off a little steam. Please know that that I don’t hold grudges. So, if I just quoted you in the 45 comments above…know that it has already been forgiven and forgotten.

You don’t have to walk on egg shells around those of us with infertility. We are happy that other babies are being born in the world. We want other people to be blessed with little ones. But, sometimes (most of the time) we do need a little sensitivity. Just think twice before the fertile you makes an overly fertile comment:)

Disclaimer: This article is clearly one sided (from the infertile perspective). It isn’t meant to criticize those with numerous children who are amazing parents with their own set of challenges. Nor is it meant to minimize the challenges of an unexpected pregnancy. Please take it as what it is…a rant from someone in the middle of infertility treatments for an extended period of time.

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What to Expect when Trying to Expect…IVF update from our April Embryo Transfer…

I had been crossing everything before our embryo transfer…fingers, toes, eyes…just about everything except for my legs. These were the last of our frozen embryos. If just one of them stuck we could wave our infertility treatment days goodbye. Only three were remaining, and while the quality wasn’t perfect, they were still little forces to be reckoned with.

I started my progesterone shots (YIKES THOSE ARE BIG NEEDLES), lupron shots, my estrogen patch, my estrogen pills and my routine blood work and ultrasounds. This had just worked several months before. Well…sort of worked. A 5 week pregnancy ending in miscarriage still counts as some sort of progress. It could work again. I had been praying for a miracle. Statistical success rates, odds, likelihood, all inconsequential in the presence of a divine intervention.Happy Family On The Beach. Baby Girl Hugging Her Mother

My typical outlook for infertility treatments has always been cautious optimism. I prepare myself for the worst because it’s so much easier to deal with the disappointment when things don’t work out. Why I decided to change my perspective this last time I’m not sure. For some reason the idea of a changed coping mechanism sounded refreshing. It would work. It was going to work. In spite of the odds it was going to happen. I was going to get pregnant and carry that pregnancy until I had a full-term healthy baby. I was going to have a story of triumph in spite of the odds. This was a simple miracle for God. What reason would he have for denying my request?

The embryo transfer went perfectly. Of the three remaining embryos, two survived the defrosting process. And, of those two, one looked incredibly promising. The catheter slid into place easily and within moments two precious little lifeforms were floating around inside of my uterus. Now came the waiting game. I was hopeful. I was actually incredibly excited. I even felt pregnant. I was tired, moody, hungry and sure that it had worked. I wasn’t cramping, and I wasn’t spotting.

And…I also wasn’t pregnant. Two home pregnancy tests and then a blood draw B-hcg level of less than 1 confirmed that my miracle had not happened. Disappointment has been followed by a firm resolve that there is a reason for everything. I don’t understand it, but instead of letting grief swallow me up (for more than a few weeks), I’m looking forward with hope once again. Since all of our frozen embryos are gone we must start from scratch with a fresh IVF cycle. This journey is far from easy, painless, or inexpensive; but, my desire for another child trumps the obstacles and challenges before me. I refuse to let infertility define me; but I am allowing it to shape me into a stronger woman, full of faith, hope, and love. This may sound trite or contrived, but trust me, this refining process has been neither trite nor contrived.

The struggle with infertility can be all-consuming. It can be and is devastating. I’m not going to sugar coat a horrible diagnosis. However, I can’t let it ruin the beautiful things that I do have in life. Infertility wins if I let it have that hold on me. I refuse to let it win. I am stronger because of it. I am a better mother because of it. I have a deeper respect for other’s pain and suffering because of it. I am learning to let go of the things that are beyond my control because of it. I am trying to make beauty from ashes. Some days I succeed…and for now that’s all I can EXPECT while I’m waiting to EXPECT!

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The Busy “Mom in Me”!

TIME TO PARTY!!!! Over 100,000 views on The Mom in Me, MD​ just since launching this past June. Thanks everyone for your continued support, feedback, and for taking the time to read my rants and raves:) I’m sure that many of you have noticed that I haven’t been writing as much recently. That is a temporary state!!!!

I won’t lie…life has been a little jam-packed lately with starting a new business (The Borrowed Boutique​), starting another round of IVF, freelance writing for a few more magazines, setting up a partnership with a non-profit, and taking care of a little 2-year-old monkey named Ayla:)Busy mother working on laptop

Like most moms I’m trying to balance it all! Sometimes I succeed, and other times I find myself going a little bit crazy. Today for example was one of those CRAZY days! Infertility makes life very unpredictable. Today my uterine lining needed some love. I was squeezed into an already overfull ultrasound schedule just to make sure that we were on track for our embryo transfer next week.

My first wrinkle of the day started before 8am on my way to the doctor’s office…traffic accident completely blocking my entrance to the interstate. Why had I chosen to go this route? I gave myself a mental kick in the behind. I quickly picked up the phone to inform the nurse that I would be running late. Hmm…if more than 15 minutes late I would need to reschedule? Well, that wasn’t going to happen considering my uterus lining needed its photo shoot today…doctor’s orders! I was already being fit into a full schedule, so did it even matter when I showed up?

The wreck was quickly cleared and my uterus, 2-year-old, and I were back on track! After over an hour at the doctor’s office we were then on our way to my Real Moms group where I volunteer and find sanity among other moms who are AMAZING. From there, Ayla and I headed to UPS to pick up our packages only to find that we had already retrieved them the previous day (my email updates were about 10 hours behind-tricky!) Then nap time (if only it were my nap time too!), interview time for three new magazine articles I’m writing, invoice time… and the list goes on. In the midst of my business, my phone rang.Side view of fit young woman lifting barbell in fitness box

Hanging up the phone I reminded myself that perspective is everything. Disappointment is natural, but I wasn’t going to let that control my day or my outlook. Yep, you guessed it…my uterine lining wasn’t thick enough to keep us on schedule for our embryo transfer next week. My parents had graciously offered to travel 5 hours one way, using a week of their vacation time to watch Ayla for us. This was the best gift they could offer. Just the idea of taking our two-year old on a 10 hour road trip was stressing me out! My husband had blocked time off of work. Everything was set and scheduled. Now, everything would have to be reset and rescheduled.

So, now I sit here typing away at my most productive hour (midnight) with a new accessory on my belly-an estrogen patch. Clearly the pills alone weren’t doing their job so now I get to load up with even more hormones! If my writing gets a little emotional over the next few days…you’ll know why! It’s the hormones talking.

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If at first we don’t succeed…we IVF again

I’ve been quiet for what seems like an infertile forever regarding our journey toward making baby #2. I have been so quiet that I almost forgot our infertility struggle, our pregnancy loss at the New Year, and the inevitable fact that infertility treatments would start again (if only I could forget). Waiting is painfully hard, but when you wait long enough life almost goes back to normal. Busyness partially fills the void, distracting from what could have been. Engaging in normal daily activities, volunteering, working, playing with my precious daughter who overflows with giggles and joy…it’s almost enough to settle into life as I know it. Almost enough until I’m reminded of my longing for another child every time I see a pregnant belly, hear a baby crying, or look at my own daughter.Young woman is swinging on a swing in summer forest.

As much as I initially wanted to jump right back into another cycle of infertility treatments, the delay has made me oh so comfortable with the way things are. Feeling “normal” can be so refreshing to the spirit. For the past month I have enjoyed NORMAL. Every moment hasn’t been fixated on infertility. Every moment hasn’t been spent planning what to do next, checking the minute hand to ensure the exact moment to give a progesterone shot, scanning public places to find a semi-private place to draw up a medication without looking like an addict, or assessing if a sharps container has been installed in the bathroom.Gorgeous happy blonde on a bike ride at the beach on a sunny day

Waiting in some ways has been a relief. A respite. I have allowed myself to push infertility to the back of my mind. But, now my reality returns. In order to fulfill my heart’s desire, I must face infertility head on once more. A life without IVF would definitely be so much easier than what lies ahead…a life without daily shots, hormone swings, sore boobs, a swollen behind so sore with injection welts that it’s hard to sit. Who am I kidding? A life without infertility would be eternally easier, but that isn’t an option for me. Wishful thinking, eternal optimism, and determination won’t change anything. So, this time around, I’m holding onto a child like faith and a positive perspective no matter the outcome. I can only move forward.  The rest is out of my control.

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Weary of Waiting…infertile…impatient…in love with the idea of a baby

I’ve been waiting to not be pregnant any more-funny statement from a woman longing for a baby. Since the ultrasound confirmed my miscarriage I’ve been ready to move on. I’ve wanted the bleeding to stop and my hormones to stabilize. My beta-hcg which I had been ecstatically watching trend upward came to a screeching halt and since then has been on the slowest decline ever. It needs to be zero before we can consider restarting another frozen IVF cycle. Since it had been doubling rapidly I assumed that the decline would be just as swift. Silly me to think anything associated with infertility could be swift…other than disappointment.

My b-hcg levels have taunted me for the past several weeks. 600, 500, 320, 215, 120, 64…and finally this past friday…4! Finally a number that means we can move on. I’ve been bleeding for over a month now, just another reminder of our pregnancy failure. The miscarriage bleeding finally slowed last week, but in exchange my period decided to arrive yesterday. Lucky me!Woman With Stomach Ache

I was under the impression that once my b-hcg level zeroed out, I could start right back into another frozen cycle of IVF.  Having achieved a negative number, I urgently scheduled my ultrasound for the next available appointment and pulled out my needles and viles of lupron. Three days felt like two weeks. It was the shortest wait that I’d had thus far, but it still felt like an eternity.Biological clock ticking - woman holding clock in front of stoma

Finally ultrasound day arrived…today! I headed to my OB/GYN office to make sure that my ovaries and uterus were back to normal. If so, I would be injecting myself with lupron by tomorrow. Thankfully, everything looked fine. It took two hours in the doctor’s office this morning to get that news, but I happily dismissed the wait time in exchange for positive results. Now all I needed was the go ahead from my reproductive endocrinologist.

I grabbed the phone on the first ring this afternoon, ecstatic to move forward on our mission to make another baby. The news that I still need to wait another two weeks before I can jump back into infertility treatments has left me feeling disappointed once again. Repeat blood work in two weeks-estrotgen and progesterone this time. Now I’m waiting to ovulate (not that my eggs are contributing to the equation this time around.)Runner Start Runway 2015

Every week that nothing happens feels like a failure. Every week that I’m not pregnant or at least actively working toward that end feels like a disappointment. I’m stuck at the start line. The gun has fired for everyone but me. False start after false start has kept me stuck in the same position with nothing to show for it but more pain and grief. I’m ready to run full speed ahead. I’m ready for infertility to get out of my way. I ready for it to work this time.

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Secondary Infertility…what’s the big deal?

My heart wrenching desire to be called, “Mommy” was enough to make me sob on countless occasions. If only…if only…if only…and then the day came. Our infertility days were over! She was born, and although the early days of preemie life were also heart wrenching, we made it through. Today, I hear my coveted name, “Mommy” more times than I can count. If only it were enough. I love my daughter more than words could ever express (actually, my heart and eyes are welling up as I write), and I’m more than content to be her mother; but, my desire to hear another little voice, to change another little one’s diapers, to cuddle another snuggly infant, and to wipe the spit-up off of my shoulder countless times each day is intensely real. I want my daughter to have a sibling to play with, and let’s be real, unfortunately boss around!Portrait of a mother with her newborn baby

For those who say that I should count my blessings and be content with one child…you’ve clearly never struggled with secondary infertility. I understand your perspective. When I was childless I held a similar view. I just wanted to be a mother; I wanted a little one to love and cherish. I now have that immense privilege and blessing (which I thank God for everyday), but my longing for another baby is real and natural. I shouldn’t be ashamed of this longing. I was meant to mother. It’s in my bones even if it isn’t in the cards I’ve been dealt.

These cards aren’t fair. The infertility game is fixed. I’m playing against the house…and the house always wins….well, almost always. But, I’m not cashing out. I’m not cutting my losses and calling it quits. I’m not a gambler, but in the case of infertility I’m willing to bet against the odds. It worked for me once before, and it was worth every penny, shot, procedure, complication and heartache. The deck may be stacked against me, but I know how to stack the deck too with unwavering determination, perseverance, faith, and sleepless nights filled with agonizing prayers.Pregnant woman with daughter

Many couples have the luxury of easily adding to their families. They simply plan how many children they want and then make it happen (Yes, I’m a little jealous). They are blessed. Secondary Infertility is a diagnosis, an unfortunate medical condition, a “disease”. It is something to grieve over. It’s something to challenge. It is something worth battling and treating. Please don’t minimize the intensity of this heart breaking medical condition by suggesting that I be content with a diagnosis of secondary rather than primary infertility. These days it all feels the same. I thought that it would be less painful, but going through repeated IVF cycles once again, counting pennies to fund them, having a miscarriage, and trying to keep my emotions in check while caring for a two-year old is something worth crying over. Infertility is painful in every shape and form that it takes. If only it got easier!Happy Mother And Baby Laying On Meadow

For those of you who have suggested that I be content…don’t worry. I’m not overly sensitive, nor am I keeping a tab. Goodness, on the flip side I can’t keep track of the number of people who’ve critically asked me, “You only have one daughter? Don’t you want more children? You aren’t done are you? She needs a sibling!” My response usually creates an intensely awkward moment. I’m aware that most people don’t know what to say regarding infertility, primary or secondary. Awkward conversations are the norm when the topic arises. It’s okay to not have the right words. It’s okay to just say you’re sorry. Sometimes simply listening shows the most support. You aren’t always going to get it right, but the fact that you are trying means the world.

P.S.

If you’re dealing with primary infertility then you are allowed to say or think whatever you want! You’ve earned that right. You get to be angry. You get to be sad. You get to be jealous. You get to judge my “discontentment” with “only” having one child. I was you only a few years back. I get it. Not that you need my permission…but just wanted to throw out the caveat. Hang in there. You are stronger than you know!

For more ways to support someone struggling with infertility check out these resources for family and friends at Resolve.org

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Our Infertility Journey (1.20): Could It Really Be Good News?????!!!!!!

We were scheduled for our fourth embryo transfer, and this time my primary infertility specialist made sure that she would be present to do the procedure. She agreed that given all of our complications it made sense that she be the one to perform the procedure. This time went so much more smoothly (the way it was supposed to go). After only a minute, two perfect embryos were in my uterus.Golden Egg

I decided to stay on my back with my legs up for a while. (30 min. to be exact.) I didn’t care if there wasn’t any medical evidence for this, I needed to do something different. I needed this to work. I went home and propped my legs up again. Then we waited once more. I was somewhat pessimistic. I didn’t know if this would work. I wanted it to, but it hadn’t yet. And, after 5 cycles of IVF (the first once being cancelled due to hyperstimulation and the others never resulting in a pregnancy) I doubted that things would ever work for us. In the midst of my doubt, I still held onto a thread of hope. This cycle had been as close to ideal as we would probably ever get…great embryos and a great transfer. Two weeks of waiting felt like an eternity.Biological clock ticking - woman holding clock in front of stoma

A few days before the pregnancy test I began to feel crampy. I was heartbroken. How is it possible that it hadn’t worked again!  The day I went in for my blood work, I told the nurse that I was sure that I wasn’t pregnant. I felt like I had after each cycle…crampy. I hadn’t started bleeding yet, but I was sure it was only a matter of time. I waited for the typical call from the nurse. I was at work and had been talking with my coworker who was waiting for an adoption opportunity. Just minutes before she had received the news that a baby boy was going to be born within the next couple of days, and he could be hers! She was ecstatic! I was so happy for her. She left the room to see a patient and in the meantime, my call came.couple, pregnancy and love concept - close up of woman and man h

I saw that it was my infertility nurse, and my heart leapt and then sank all at the same time. I knew that I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t even need her to confirm it. I answered the call just as my coworker walked back into our office. “Hello”, I said. “Emma, its Libby.” “Emma, you’re PREGNANT!” What! What! No, that couldn’t be right! How could I be pregnant. I was crampy. I didn’t feel pregnant. They must have been looking at someone else’s results. “No, Emma, we double checked. These are your results. You are pregnant. Congratulations!”

I was in shock. I was through the roof! Oh, my goodness. You have got to be kidding me! It finally worked!! I was pregnant. I could get pregnant! It was all worth it. I wanted to jump up and down, but I didn’t dare for fear it would expel the precious embryos. But, how good were my levels? I knew that this mattered. Was I really pregnant or just a little? No, I was really pregnant. My hcg numbers were high. They were prefect. I would have to have them repeated in 2 days just to make sure that they were doubling, but I was definitely pregnant.Baby Fetus Newborn Over Isolated White Background. New Born Chil

My coworker knew immediately when she saw my face. We were both going to be having new babies! I immediately tried to call Dave. He needed to be my first call. Voicemail. I paged him but didn’t get an answer. I knew that he should be the first one to know, but if I couldn’t reach him, I couldn’t keep it to myself after everything I had been through. I quickly dialed my parents. My mom was thrilled! We were all cautiously optimistic. We knew that a positive pregnancy didn’t necessarily mean we would be having a baby. We still had a lot of hurdles to get through, and the pregnancy rates were always much higher that the delivery rates for IVF. Although I was cautiously optimistic, I was also full of hope. I couldn’t wait to make it past 12 weeks. I just needed to get to the safe zone,  and then, 2012 would be my year of motherhood!

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An Update on Our Current Pregnancy Situation (Jan 2015)…unfortunately, labs don’t lie

I know I’ve been posting a lot lately about our struggles with primary infertility (trying to finish out the story for everyone). However, as most of you know, we are currently undergoing infertility treatments in an effort to make baby #2. Christmas Eve I found out that I was pregnant after a frozen IVF cycle. But, after several ultrasounds and repeat labs, I’m sad to say that we are having a miscarriage. Our little one decided not to stick around.

Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and support along this journey. As I watch my beta-hcg levels fall it’s a little surreal and incredibly sad. Seeing an empty uterus on ultrasound confirmed the diagnosis and cemented the fact that our infertility journey is not yet over. When we received the news that we were pregnant it seemed too good to be true (and it was). No more stimulation cycles, no more needle pokes, no more financial planning for fertility! We were going to have another baby! Sadly, that’s not the case, at least not yet. So, I’m pulling myself up by my Hunter boot straps and gearing up for what’s to come. With two more frozen embryos left, our IVF journey continues. Maybe this next cycle will be the end of our infertility road? If not…ovarian stimulation and fresh IVF here we come!

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